Abuse

Are you in an abusive situation, work environment, or relationship?

Abuse can happen in many forms:


  • Verbal abuse/putting down on you/shouting/name-calling

  • Emotional abuse/coercion/belittling/lying/threats

  • Gaslighting/trying to make you think you’re the problem/blaming you

  • Bullying

  • Abandonment/neglect at crucial times

  • Letting things slide/not addressing poor behavior

  • Excuses/denying or minimizing the problem

  • Not backing you up as promised/repeated broken promises

  • Stalking

  • Physical abuse, such as hitting, slapping, grabbing/squeezing, or kicking

  • Sexual harassment/sexually abusive or pushy

  • Spiritual abuse/religiously manipulative/taking God’s name in vain for directives 

  • Narcissism abuse—constant criticism, projecting, gaslighting, coercion, humiliation


Abuse can come from anyone:


  • Employer/boss/supervisor

  • Colleague 

  • Church member/elder/pastor

  • Family member

  • Friend/acquaintance/community member

  • Spouse or dating partner


Write it down. Write down the things the abuser is saying or doing. Look at the statements and actions on the written page objectively. Show them to others if needed. This is important, because when we’re on the receiving end of abuse, we might not understand how bad it is. We feel demoralized, ashamed, or embarrassed that we’re being treated this way, and we sometimes will minimize it as a coping response.


Personal life

If you are—or think you might be—in an abusive relationship, seek professional help immediately. A good counselor can help you understand what’s going on and can help you create a plan for moving forward. (see resources at the end of this post) 


Workplace

Have a piece of paper or a Word document on your computer to maintain ongoing documentation of each occurrence, including the day, time, and location of what was said or done to you. Talk to a counselor to create a plan for moving forward. It might involve some verbal role-play for stating boundaries, or creating a plan for how to bring this issue to HR, or seeking an attorney if needed—or all of them. You don’t have to address this directly with abuser if you don’t want to. You can talk to HR for help. Most companies want their employees treated well and don’t want to get sued for allowing abusive behavior. If the abuse doesn’t stop, feel free to talk to an attorney. 


Don’t stay in an ongoing abusive situation. It doesn’t matter if you think your employer is a great non-profit, or the one true religion, or a part of a prestigious profession, or a wonderful political party, or a famous corporation. If you are being abused, it’s not okay. And if the problem isn’t being taken care of by HR, recognize that the company is endorsing this type of behavior. You can leave for another job, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You and your lawyer can make a plan during or after the situation if HR is not resolving the issue.


Also, be aware of pathetic, demeaning excuses from other people: “Well, you have to remember that English isn’t his first language,” or “She wants to help make you successful, and everyone has their own style of mentoring,” or “That person is really overworked,” or “God is with you in this and might be trying to teach you about submission.” 


Resources


“Outsmart and Disarm the Narcissist.” A book by Claire Brown


“It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People” A book by Ramani Durvasula


“Boundaries.” A book (and book series) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend


“The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” A book by Patricia Evans


“The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” A book by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen


“Narcissism in the Pulpit.” A paper you can look up online.


“Safe People.” A book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend


NewLifeAfterAbuse.com. Good book recommendations.



Learn more about abuse and narcissism through online videos with the above authors. 


It’s not fun to learn about this topic, I know, but it will be super helpful to you and others you encounter down the road of life. This is far more common than most of us realize.


When seeking help, don’t put up with excuses or someone who will downplay what’s happening to you. Make sure you are talking to someone who takes you seriously.


Addressing this will be a journey. Some people will try to downplay it or deny it’s happening. But there are laws that protect you. And you will learn whom you can trust. 


Abusers can reform. But they have to want to. They must own their behavior and seek help. 


Take charge of your life and live well!

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