Increasing Connection
Some people struggle with connecting, and that’s okay. Everyone has their strengths…and quirks.
Author Bob Goff says the way to achieve your goals is to help others achieve theirs. So if you want other people to connect with you, try some of these things to connect with them.
Learn attunement. First get good at recognizing your own emotions. A feelings chart can help. You can choose one or a dozen emotions you might be feeling right now or in certain situations. Even if those feelings conflict, they’re all valid and true. Then you can attune with others. At first, it might feel like an arbitrary way of talking to someone. But the fact that you’re doing it and with such care means it is real—and it will feel very real and gratifying to the other person. (Contact me for a workshop on how to do this through anseloliver.com)
Sometimes people talk a lot because they’re wanting connection. But if it’s just informational content without emotions, it’s empty. Kinda like eating several boxes of crackers and not feeling full. The empty carbs don’t fill you up like the healthy fats and proteins of olive oil, nuts, avocado, and eggs, etc. What we need to feel connected to ourselves and others is emotion, and a recognition of when emotions aren’t present.
It’s about the OTHER PERSON!! Get wildly curious about the person you’re talking to. Attune. Ask questions. Get to know all about them and try to talk about yourself only when asked. At the very least, make sure the conversation is 50-50. A great question is, “Well what about you?”
Online resources: Watch videos on the YouTube channels “The Science of People” and “Charisma on Command.” You might find other helpful channels, too. Watch one to three videos a week. In a few months you’ll have a lot of great tools and will feel a difference in yourself!
Connection books. Try titles such as “How to Talk to Anyone,” by Leil Lowndes. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. “People Fuel” by John Townsend, and “Etiquette” the 2022 Centennial version by Emily Post, Or visit a bookstore at a church or Christian bookstore to find appealing titles about relationships. For now, avoid books that are merely information, theology, intellectualism, or philosophy.
Get off social media. Actually talk to your friends. In-person. For real.
Volunteer. Getting involved in charitable service is a great way to bond with others over meaningful experiences. It can also help us grow us in our gratitude to God, which then overflows to benefit others—both recipients and fellow volunteers—with His love and Divine provision. It also just feels good!
Become emotionally available. Being a bit vulnerable with how you feel may help you connect better, especially if you have received feedback in your life that you might be emotionally absent or withdrawn.
Spiritual director. This is a helper who is with you as you attempt to deepen your relationship with God and grow in your awareness of realities and personal spiritual practices. A good option is Todd Rosspencer: 888-608-3006, spiritualleadership.com.
Therapy or process grief. It could be that some past pain is keeping you from being able to connect with others. Find ways to identify past trauma and process it through effective grief practices or talk to a therapist about grief or your struggle to connect.
Executive or personal coach. One who will include what’s known as a 360 Evaluation, in which 8 to 10 people you know will lovingly and anonymously speak truth into your life. drscottlivingston.com.
If more is needed, read on.
While connection can be difficult for many people, some people struggle in a unique way. Each of our brains work differently, and in this modern age in which neurodiversity is better understood, there may be some tools that can help.
Do you struggle with any of the following?
Think you don’t connect well with people.
Have strong intelligence, particularly in left-brain/analytical tasks or careers.
Have been told you talk a lot.
Have been told you can come across as aloof, arrogant, or negative.
Struggle with attunement or don’t like attunement because it’s not intellectual enough.
Don’t care how you come across, uninterested in your image, or think it shouldn’t matter.
Think there shouldn’t be costs to be in community or need to participate in pleasantries, minor compromises, or politics required for community.
Have been told you usually only talk about the same one or two topics..
Think you sometimes or often miss social cues.
Think you may have been released by friends or friend groups.
Feel depressed, hurt, left out by society, or lack joy
Give excuses that come out as over-intellectualism but are really just excuses.
Good news! There are ways of moving forward for greater life results and joy!
Meet with a specialized counselor about a mild form of Spectrum Disorder. The idea of getting checked for this possible diagnosis might seem daunting or off-putting. But be assured, this document and recommendation has been lovingly and prayerfully prepared to help those who are seeking greater joy, success, and performance in life. Getting examined by your primary care doctor or a specialized therapist for a mild form of Spectrum Disorder can be key in making sure nothing is being left unchecked. If this diagnosis is confirmed, or if you have many traits associated with this type of diagnosis, then you can, with confidence and assurance, work with a professional counselor to recognize and accept limits that are now known and discover tools for joy and thriving within those new boundaries. Celebrate this new way of moving forward to newly thrive and enjoy life!
Counselor/therapist. Many therapists specialize in serving people with mild forms of Spectrum Disorder and can help you develop tools that increase performance in your life.
Books for your journey. Titles can include, “Living well on the spectrum” by Valerie Gaus, “Aspergers and Adulthood,” by Blythe Grossberg, and “Life Coaching for Adults on the Autism Spectrum” by Jaclyn Hunt.