Grief

“We grieve the loss of something because it was important. The tears are worth it.”

"Grief is pain that takes away other pain.”

“Grief is your friend, and it will help you succeed at higher levels.”

—John Townsend

Grief needs to be processed so we can again live a full, rich life. People who don’t process pain may experience reduced performance in various areas of their life.

The Tlingit tribe in Alaska has what they call the “Cry Song.” It takes away grief. But you have to sing the Cry Song. And you have to cry. And only then will grief go away. Other cultures have similar rituals.

Processing grief might take a few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years. Allow yourself time to process what was important to you. Seek therapy if needed.

Things to mourn: Loss of a person, relationship, money, health, job, or community. Also, rejection, abandonment, mistreatment, didn’t get a nurturing childhood, limits, a failure (even if it pointed you in a better direction), poor decision in the past, challenging situation, sin, or an ongoing societal problem.

Here are some things you can do:

Cry. In a private setting, or with someone you trust, sing sad songs or listen to sad songs. Here are a few suggestions: “Wolves” by Garth Brooks; “Tears in heaven” by Eric Clapton; "Abraham's Theme" by Vangelis. "Down from Dover" by Dolly Parton; “Your long journey” by Allison Krause & Robert Plant; “Not dark yet” by Bob Dylan; “Scars in heaven” by Casting Crowns; “Soft tones” by Florian Philipp Mueller; "The Rain Song" by Led Zeppelin; “A whiter shade of pale” by Martin Talstrom.

Then, after many hours or days, and only when you are ready to move forward, try "Thank you" by Led Zeppelin; "Trial by Fire" by Journey; "Cast your fate to the wind" by Vince Guaraldi; “Let it be” by the Beatles; and "Chariots of Fire" by Vangelis. Then, if you are a person of faith, add "It is well with my soul" by Chris Rice; and "Total Praise (live)" by Richard Smallwood.

Make a list and grieve each item. Losing one thing often involves losing several things. For example, when a pet dies, we don't just lose the pet—we lose exercise of walking our, visiting the dog park, socialization, etc. Or when a person fails out of a professional school program, they have lost potential large salary, prestige, appeal in the dating pool, etc. So understand that losing one thing can mean the loss of many things—sometimes dozens or more. That's one of the reasons why grief involves so much fear and bewilderment—we don't fully understand the depth and breadth of what we've lost. So count up each thing that you lost by losing the one the thing, and then grieve over it. It may take time to grieve each thing. That's okay.

Process group. Share what happened with people who know how to attune. Not people who are going to bombard you with questions or useless advice.

Sit Shiva. This Jewish tradition is mourning for an uninterrupted week (or appropriate time) over the loss of someone close to you. Sit on a low stool for much of the week and lean into your grief. Make the first three days a time of intense grief. Go online to learn more about Sitting Shiva, its origins, and its practices.

Hold a ceremony. It could be a full ceremony with many people at a place of public worship or in a home for a person who has died. Or it could be as simple as a 2-minute funeral for a pet goldfish with one friend.

Learn more about grief and grieving rituals through books and online resources. 

Look to the good. After an appropriate time of grieving, focus on the good things in your life—family, friends, kindness, beauty, nature, stunning sunsets, resources you have, accomplishments you've made and contributed to society. While it's very important to process grief, it's also important to not get stuck in it. You may still have waves of grief that will periodically roll in—that's fine. Keep processing those. But when the time is right, be sure to move forward and be grateful for the many good things in life.

Teach others about grieving rituals and their importance. Then more people in your community will be able to help others process grief and mourn the loss of people and important things. You could even volunteer to be a grief coordinator at your church or community group, first teaching leadership about the importance of this role.

“They say time heals all wounds. That’s [not true]. Time allows you to accept that which cannot be changed.” —Frankie Banali (musician)

“[There is] a time to mourn.” — King Solomon

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” —Jesus

Honor the person or thing that was lost by deeply mourning over them for an appropriate period of time. Then move forward and live a rich life—that’s what they would want for you!

For more information, please contact me at anseloliver.com.